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You'll either love em or loathe em
The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge `cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
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Three men were on a deserted island and wanted to get back. Then a genies bottle washed up on the shore so they of course rubbed it, then the genie appeared.
The first man wished that he was back home with his wife and family, and suddenly he was back home with his wife and family.
Then the second man also wanted to be home with his wife and his family, and suddenly he was also back home with his wife and family.
Then the third man said "Oh I'm lonely now i wish my mates were back here".
And suddenly they were all back on the island!
There were three very fat and very unfit sumo wretlers on an island, and they all wanted to get off.
So the first really stupid sumo swam half way got tired and came back.
Then the second sumo who was resonably dumb swam half way got tired and came back.
Then the third sumo who was smarter than the other two walked across the bridge!
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You don't have to be mad but it helps
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Top ten things you don't want to hear during surgery...
1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em
10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
The string in the tale...
Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.
After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"
The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".
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Laugh you know it makes sense
A Few quick crazy names...
1 Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!
2 Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!
3 Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!
4 Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!
5 Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!
6 Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!
7 Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
8 Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!
9 Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!
10 Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom!
A blonde girl walks into the Salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."
"If I take them off I'll die." The girl replies.
For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.
"If I take them off I'll die." The blonde responds again.
The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones but she's getting really frustrated by now. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice. As soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.
The stylist can't believe it. Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens: "breath in....breath out....breath in...."
I'm not laughing at you.. I'm laughing with you.
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
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Road Kill
So this dog walks into the bakers with a basket in his mouth. In the basket is a shopping list, some money and a note from the owner asking the assistant to put the food in the basket and take the money. The assistant does as the note instructs and the dog leaves the shop with the basket full of food.
The next week the same thing happens, the dog comes in, gets the basket filled and leaves. The same thing goes on every week for another three weeks and the assistant is dying from curiosity, so one afternoon decides to follow the dog.
Having filled the basket as usual, the assistant waits for the dog to leave, grabs her coat and follows the animal from a safe distance. The dog crosses the railway line, goes a couple of blocks into a local estate, round a corner and up to the door of a house. Then he lifts up a paw to ring the bell.
A couple of minutes later this guy comes to the door, grabs the basket and boots the dog right across the yard, slamming the door behind him. The assistant is outraged at this behaviour and decides to act.
She goes up to the door and when the man answers, demands an explanation for such cruelty.
"Look lady," the man responds, "it's quite simple. This stupid dog has got to learn, that's the second time this month he's forgotten his keys!"
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But I thought you said it was our right of way!!
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
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