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We had to do it, after the cats page we received loads of mails for the dogs page, so here it is for all you canine lovers (or haters)
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A BIG DOG WHEN...
* The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
* You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.
* It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
* You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
* You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.
* You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.
* You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.
* You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house.
* After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.
* You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.
* Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively.
* You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.
* You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.
* You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.
* Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.
* You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.
* You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.
* While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.
* You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.
* You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"
* The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.
* Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.
* You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.
* The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.
* Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.
* You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
* The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.
* Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.
* You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television.
* After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.
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Creation of Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day of creation, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest but he had to walk the dog.
The Picnic Basket
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.
Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No, no, puppies."
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HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
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DOG COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox.
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law's leg.
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7 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear"You've Got Mail!"
Can't stick their heads out of Windows95
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
Too difficult to "mark" every Web site they visit.
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
Too hard to read the screen with head cocked to one side.
'Cause dogs aren't GEEKS!
IS YOUR PET NORMAL?
To see if your dog has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word "walk," yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word "come?"
2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words, "Don't worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children?"
3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?
5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of, "It's time to go home," yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions . . . relax, your dog is normal!
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SIGNS YOUR DOG IS MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU
10. Neighbours complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.
9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.
8. Ice floating in toilet water.
7. Neighbourhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.
5. You can never find the leftovers.
4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.
3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover."
1. Your apartment keys no longer work.
WHAT ARE DOGS:
Dogs are honorable.
Dogs are fiercely loyal.
Dogs are regal and striking in appearance.
Dogs are your best friend - unconditionally.
Dogs protect their master, his family, and his home - to the death.
Dogs are loving - they are warm and funny at all times.
Dogs are faithful - til the end.
Dogs have no attitude - they're always happy to be loved.
Dogs are there for the long haul - once again - til death!
Dogs have no ego and are perfect pets...
Just like - well, MEN!
WHAT ARE CATS?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater for their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
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RULES FOR DOGS
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun
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