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You either love them or loathe them, they are CATS. We decided to dedicate this page to the tails of cats...(tales-tails...get it)
So as not to bore you with endless text a few cartoons are dotted around for your enjoyment. |
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Top 10 Signs Your Cat is Planning to Kill You!
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
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DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU?
1. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
2. Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
3. Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
4. Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
5. Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
6. Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
7. Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
8. Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
9. Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your spoon?
10. Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
11. Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
12. Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
13. Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
14. Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
15. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
16. Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
17. Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
18. Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
19. Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
20. Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
21. Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
22. Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
23. When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?
24. Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?
25. Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?
26. Do you you make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?
27. At the store, do you pick out the cat food before you pick out anything for yourself?
28. Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?
29. Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you're reading?
30. Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?
31. Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?
32. Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
33. Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
34. Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way)
35. When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
36. Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
37. When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?
38. Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?
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DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT
Monday
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Tuesday
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.
Wednesday
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Thursday
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
Friday
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Saturday
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise they were making without restraint. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Sunday
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
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PHYSICS AND CATS
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter
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FUN WITH CATS
1.COMBAT KITTY
Stick a piece of masking tape on your cat from the top of his head to the tip of his tail. This will cause him to think he is underneath something. He will crouch low and run around as he tries to escape the clutches of the tape.
2. CYCLONE CAT
Tie your cats favourite toy to his tail. If your cat is in a playful mood, he will chase his toy by running around in circles.
3. THE SHAKES
This can be accomplished in several ways. The two most popular are to dip your cat's paws in water, or to stick small pieces of tape to the bottom of them. Your cat will frantically shake his paws to shed the water or tape.
4. KITTY CORRAL
Put an empty basket upside down over your cat. If he is awake, he will start yowling for freedom.
5. HIDE AND SEEK
If you have a dog, place several dog treats under and around your cat while he sleeps. As the dog retrieves the treats, the cat will wake up to his worst nightmare.
6. AAAAAAAAGH! WAKE UP!
Strategically place the stereo speakers close to your cat's sleeping quarters. When your cat is sound asleep..... blast him to the moon!
7. CLEAN KITTY
Sneak up behind your cat with the vacuum cleaner. When you get close to his tail, switch the vacuum on and suck the tail up into the tube.
8. PEPPER PUNISHMENT
Rub ground pepper into your cat's fur. When he tries to wash himself, he is in for a most unpleasant experience!
9. THE LITTER BOX TRAP
Place your cat's litter box on blocks. Rig it so that it will fall to the floor at the pull of a string.
10. REVERSE GEAR
Place a loose fitting sock over your cat's head. Watch him slither and slide backward as he tries to free himself from the sock.
11. LIGHTNING ROD
Wrap your cat's tail in aluminium foil. If he does nothing amusing, then place him at the top of an open hill during a thunderstorm.
12. SLIP AND SLIDE
If your cat has a habit of jumping on the kitchen counter, try this. Pour some cooking oil on the counter and smear it into a thin film. Now, wait for your cat to misjudge the landing and crash into the wall, slide off onto the floor, or land on a lit stove burner!
13. KANGAROO KITTY
Tie or tape your cat's rear or front paws together, and chase him around. Your cat will "boing" around like a kangaroo or rabbit.
14. CURIOSTY CAT
Slowly approach your cat and stick out your pointer finger. When he sniffs it, give him a quick poke in the eye.
15. FOREIGN FEACES
Send your cat out for a romp in the woods. While he is away, find a fresh smelly piece of crap (not his) from the yard. Carefully place it in the cat's litter box. When the cat returns to use his litter box, he will sniff the crap (cats always do). Finding a foreign crap in his litter box will cause him to freak out. You can also put one of your own turd in his box.
16. ICE-SKATING KITTY:
Put pieces of masking tape on the pads of all four paws, and then place him on a linoleum floor. Watch as he frantically tries to stand as his legs shoot out from underneath him.
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Cat/Human Quiz
Humans:
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Good-bye
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
Cats:
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human's got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above
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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour half-liter of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Ring the local vets to arrange a housecall.
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HOW "REAL" MEN BATHE A CAT
1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.
* This is fiction - You couldn't get a man to scrub a toilet.
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WRAPPING PRESENTS WITH A CAT
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CAT PERSON WHEN....
...you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox."
...you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
...you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
...you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
...you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
...you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
...you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.
...you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.
...you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.
...your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats."
...you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
...you refer to your cat as your furry child.
...your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild."
...you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
...you accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!
...you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
...you have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's."
...you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.
...you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.
...you and kitty have matching outfits.
...your spouse says, "Me or the cat!," and there's no hesitation.
...you never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out.
...your favorite friends have fleas.
...you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the catbox.
...you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
...you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
...you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
...you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
...you bore the neighbours with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore ... at length.
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A cats rendition of 12 days of xmas..
On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
eleven tarter Pounce treats,
ten ornaments hanging,
nine wads of Kleenex,
eight peacock feathers,
seven stolen Q-tips,
six feathered balls,
five MILK JUG RINGS!
four munchy house plants,
three running faucets,
two fuzzy mousies,
and a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
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Top Ten Signs your cat has learned your Internet Password:
10) E-Mail flames from some guy names "Fluffy."
9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8) You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like <>.
7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/
6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it.... And a strange aroma of tuna.
5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
"CyberDog."
4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3) You keep finding new software around your house like "CatinTax" and
"WarCat II."
2) On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
1) Little Kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post
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